Part I: “Why are they always so late?!” Cultural Concepts of Time

 

One of the constraints that has been placed on the whole of humanity and creation is the concept of time.  Despite the fact that time itself is unchanging, constant, and ever present, the meaning we assign to it, the way it is used, and the importance placed on it varies widely from culture to culture.  Not realizing that others view time in an entirely different way than we do can create a great deal of misunderstandings, hard feelings, and hostility.  

Americans and the Western world in general have a future oriented focus on time.  Time is based around the clock: we are always looking ahead, marking the exact time until the present task is finished so we can hurry to the next item on the schedule.  We are constantly thinking about the future, planning for it in the present, and arranging our lives with future events in mind. 

Others have a more present focused sense of time.  Importance is placed on the current moment; time is based around the event.  Time duration is based on how long it takes to finish a task, unlike the converse in Western time: a time duration is set and the task must be completed during that space no matter what.  Schedules are more general, and everyone expects that when you give a time, you don’t mean exactly that – you mean around that, give or take even an hour or two.  No one really minds if you come in after the given time as they understand that you obviously were completing something else. 

Levine & Wollf (1985) undertook a study that looked at the clocks in major cities around the world to measure their accuracy.  They found that Japanese clocks came in first, with their clocks being the most accurate, and Indonesian clocks came in last, with their clocks being the least accurate (I’m not sure what cities were included in the search though, as the article doesn’t list them).  As the authors note, when discussing science or technology or even fashion, we often hear that the Japanese are “ahead” and that we need to “catch up.”  Our highly valued Western devotion to the clock suffers when we realize that someone else is actually ahead of us in time! 

An Asian friend of mine worked as a government employee back in his country, and told me that he was required to be at work at least an hour before his boss to make sure everything was unlocked, coffee ready, documents prepared, and so on.  Even if there was nothing to do, he was required to be there earlier due to his lower status.  Yet, his boss was certainly never considered to be ‘late;’ he always came in at the same time every day, right on schedule.  Interestingly, it seems that some cultures tie one’s adherence to the clock to social status.  We also find a similiar phenomenon at work here in the US: I’m sure many of us have heard stories of celebrities being hours late to photo shoots, events, or concerts.  For Westerners, it’s as if the more privileged and important you are, the less you are required to respect the time of those around us (the rest of us still aren’t happy about it though).  Yet perhaps for those in countries like that of my Asian friend, being ’late’ is an acceptable privilege afforded to those in higher social and power ranking, and has been carefully incorporated into the standard way of operating.  Everyone there knows their place in the caste system of time. 

Of course, the examples I have given thus far are with cultures that practice strict adherence to the clock – and we can see that there is a great amount of variation even within one category! When it comes to cultures that regard time as being subject to the present, to the completion of current tasks, trying to figure out exactly when something will be done in the future can be an impossible task.  I’ve often heard Westerners living in the Middle East complain about the term “bukhura” – meaning tomorrow.  This is the standard response given whenever someone wants to know when something will be done - tomorrow will take care of itself.  For Arabs, the future is an abstract concept, and exact times will be determined when the unreachable ‘tomorrow’ moves into the grasp of ‘today’ and the task becomes concrete and measurable. 

Fortunately, all is not lost in the confusing mire of cultural perceptions of time.  Levine (1997) offers us eight lessons that we should learn and try to incorporate into our interactions with those from cultures with different concepts of time.  He points out that no one concept of time is more correct than another; each has its drawbacks and each has something positive to learn from as well.  Yet, the importance of learning about other concepts of time is crucial, as Levine astutely states:

“In many instances, temporal illiteracy leads to situations that are simply awkward and embarrassing; in other cases, however, the lack of knowledge can be socially disabling.  The latter is often the result when non-clock-time people must achieve by the standards of fast-paced cultures.  Entire subpopulations with otherwise economically vital communities are marginalized by their inability to master the clock-governed pace of the mainstream culture.  These temporally disabled subgroups are particularly common in societies with large multiethnic, multicultural populations, especially those undergoing rapid social change” (Levine, 1997). 

Indeed, “temporal illiteracy” as he terms it is not just something that can cause occasional annoyance or misunderstanding, but can push entire subcultures or even countries down in the economic or power system if their concept of time does not match the majority that happens to be in power.  Thus, the importance of incorporating his suggested lessons becomes even more important for not only improved communication with those around us, but for survival! 

In the following series, I will expand on his proposed lessons, and am looking forward to hearing any experiences you might have had with each of these! 

Sources:

Levine, R.  A Geography of Time: The Temporal Misadventures of a Social Psychologist, or How Every Culture Keeps Time Just a Little Bit Differently. HarperCollins, New York, 1997.

Levine, R., & Wolff, E. (1985). Social time: The heartbeat of culture.  Psychology Today, 19 (3), 28-35.

Intercultural Marriage: Sex

Sex.  It seems like such a basic, simple process – how could there be any disagreement about that?  But alas, such is not the case, and sex, even among same-culture couples, continously ranks as one of the top most argued about subjects (money, sex, and kids).  There are many issues surrounding sex that stem from unconscious beliefs and views that few have taken the time to reflect on.

Purpose

The purpose of sex may vary due to the culture or religion of an individual.  In some cultures (i.e. Western culture), sex is seen as a pleasurable, loving act between a couple, in which mutual enjoyment is key.  Yet others might believe that sex is necessary for procreational purposes and little else.  Female enjoyment is not necessary or even desireable in some cases.  On the extreme end, in some FLDS (Fundamentalist Latter-Day Saints) Mormon circles, sex for pleasure between a married couple constitutes adultery!  Even if a person does not espouse the beliefs of their childhood or culture, having grown up in such an environment can have a profound impact on their ability to feel comfortable sexually.  Even in the US, women from more conservative backgrounds often have trouble combatting years of sexual repression, and struggle to be able to express themselves sexually in a healthy manner.    

When

When to have sex is a conflict common even among same culture couples, as ‘normal’ frequency depends solely on an individual’s unique needs.  Nevertheless, culture plays a role in determining our beliefs regarding how much is enough.  Even some religions weigh in on the debate: Islam stipulates that a certain number of months without sex is grounds for divorce, and recommends sex every few days. 

Further muddying the waters, once a woman becomes pregnant, many men the world over have difficulty seeing mothers as sexual and may no longer desire their partner.  In fact, Western studies show that the ‘best’ time for a man to have an affair is when the female is pregnant or has just given birth!  This unconscious belief that pregnant women/mothers aren’t sexual is unfortunate, as pregnant women often experience an increased libido due to the hormone changes (particularly if she’s pregnant with a boy).  Yet, it is not just a belief common among men - some women hold this belief as well and may not feel comfortable having sex while pregnant or just after giving birth. 

Many religions and cultures deem sex during menstruation as taboo, so that could cause conflict as well if a couple is from differing religions or cultures.    

Birth Control

Beliefs regarding birth control also vary greatly.  Some religions prohibit birth control altogether (i.e. Catholicism, FLDS, for instance).  Even the types of birth control allowed may vary.  Some women may not want to take birth control due to the numerous negative side effects, and some men may not want to use condoms due to discomfort or allergy.  Clearly, the potential for conflict regarding birth control is great.

Closing

Clearly, open communication is essential for navigating the sensitive, yet elemental waters of sex and all that it entails in an intercultural relationship.  Many are hesitant and feel uncomfortable discussing sex, yet since it ranks as one of the top three most argued about issues plaguing married couples, it is of utmost necessity to do.  If talking to your partner directly about it seems too overwhelming, start first by finding out what your partner’s culture believes about sex, and work your way inward.  Then move on to their subculture, religion, community, family, friends, and so on.  A person is unlikely to escape from all these spheres of influence unscathed and unaffected.

Intercultural Marriage: Food and Drink

What we eat and what we drink seem like innocent, every day issues that we would never expect to be a problem in a relationship.  Yet, even same-culture couples experience difficulty in this area: one partner likes certain foods while the other likes something else.  Likewise, in an intercultural relationship, tastes in food and drink can vastly differ.  The food once thought to be exotic and fascinating in the beginning of the relationship soons begins to appear distasteful and the longing for one’s own comfort food creeps in.  Not only can tastes differ, but so can many other aspects surrounding meals: where the meal is eaten, who is present, the timing of the meals, the importance of the meals (which meal is the main meal), what constitutes good table manners, and so on.

What

What is eaten is often the easiest potential problem to spot.  It can be obvious that if a couple has differing likes and dislikes, disagreements may occur later down the road.  Some people are naturally adventurous and enjoy trying new foods.  Others have a difficult time and are psychologically grounded in foods from their childhood and may become allergic or sick to new foods.  I can personally testify to that – I’ve always cautiously tried new foods, but trying is one thing, eating it for a main meal numerous times is something completely different! 

When studying abroad in Japan, my host family seemed to enjoy eating okonomiyaki quite often for dinner (a pancake type thing with various vegetables and meats in it, topped with either mayonnaise or a brown sauce).

 

I’d had it before and liked it, but having a large portion drowned in the slimy brown sauce before being served to me and then being expected to eat all of it was a different story.  I got sick more than once from trying in vain to force it down (if I didn’t eat it, the host mother would have become angry and I would have been told how rude I was, how my mother didn’t raise me right, and other various insults that I wanted to avoid).  However, if  I had been given a choice of toppings, I would have discovered that it was quite delicious with mayonnaise!

Our emotional states may dictate the foods we crave; feeling sad, stressed, overwhelmed, or even homesick may cause us to desire specific foods that we believe to be the only thing that can soothe us.  When sick, we also desire certain foods that are highly culture specific.  We may be causing more distress out of our loving desire to help a sick partner by plopping down a bowl of chicken noodle soup and 7-up in front of them, when what they really desire is something completely different - and they may be too sick to communicate that. 

Religious and lifestyle choices dictate specific dietary needs.  A Muslim may avoid alcohol, pork, non-halal meat, and certain seafoods.  Hindus do not eat beef, Buddhists avoid all meat, vegetarians avoid all meats, and some people prefer to eat only organic food.  The first time I proudly made chicken enchiladas (sans chicken) for my Muslim partner (I was not Muslim at the time), I was devastated when, instead of diving in immediately, he poked at it suspiciously and declared that he couldn’t eat it.  Unbeknownst to me was that the cream of chicken I had used had very small chicken pieces in it!  These seemingly insignificant things that we completely take for granted can have a huge impact when in a relationship with someone from another culture or belief system. 

Certain holidays specify certain foods; Christmas traditions vary all over the world, Muslims abstain from food during Ramadhan, and various other holidays have specific customs and food that may seem strange to a newcomer but essential to the rest.   

When

Some cultures prefer to have the big meal of the day in the evening; others at midday.  Some prefer to have a large breakfast, while some may eat something small or nothing at all.  In some families, people may eat individually, yet in others everyone is expected to eat together.  Even the timing of meals differs – some prefer to eat right at noon, while others may eat at 2.  Some may eat between 5-7, others from 9-12.  With all the individual and cultural variation, there’s no predicting what may happen in an intercultural relationship! 

I managed to luck out since my family has always typically eaten late (often between 7-9) when I was growing up, and I continued this trend in college.  My partner comes from a culture in which the evening meal occurs very late, even as late as midnight!  So, having late meals is something we both peacefully agree on (although sometimes he’ll decide he wants to eat about the time I need to go to bed so I can get up for work the next day…).  We also prefer to have the main meal in the evening, yet in some Latin American countries, the main meal is the midday meal.  This can be a challenge for a foreign wife who is suddenly expected to make a huge meal in the middle of the day! 

Where

Some families like the meal to be a somewhat formal occasion and may use the dining room for all the meals.  Others may be content with simply eating in the kitchen, or even on bar stools next to the kitchen counter.  Some cultures dictate that all family members must be present for at least the main meal, others are more flexible and make adjustments for busy schedules.  This can be a source of conflict between a couple or between one spouse and the other spouse and all the kids.  A foreign spouse in the US may expect everyone to be present for the main meal, yet be frustrated and hurt that the kids are too busy with extra curricular activities to eat with the family. 

Manners

Finally, manners can play a huge role in mealtime conflict.  In Japan for example, it is expected for one to slurp their soup, smack their lips, or belch in order to show satisfaction.  Whenever I went to restaurants, I was always a little disturbed by all the eating noises around me that I couldn’t help but perceive to be rude and childish.

Utensils are an important part of manners – which fork should be used for which foods, how should the spoon be used, the correct way of holding chopsticks, and even the appropriate way to use one’s hand for eating.  Some cultures have strict rules about what food items can be used with the various forks, spoons, and knives, while others are more lax.  Eating with chopsticks requires more skill than simply being able to pick up the food; there are manners dictating how you should pass food to another person using the chopsticks or how to serve yourself from the main dish with your chopsticks.  And of course, the biggest taboo of all for Japanese: never stick your chopsticks into a bowl of rice and leave them sticking out – this is the symbol for death!

I once had a Korean friend come to my house for Thanksgiving.  He had never seen this type of food before, and had no idea how to go about eating it.  Instead of waiting around to see what we did, he got busy mixing everything together into one large, brownish, unappealing-looking mess that he contentedly ate with a spoon.  Mashed potatoes, gravy, green beans, turkey, yams, and cranberries all together…. we were amused but left him to eat it on his own! 

The first time my partner came with me to eat somewhere with my parents, he was nervously unsure about the whole thing because he wasn’t sure if he could use the utensils correctly, as he was so used to eating with his hands. 

 He believed that they would use utensils for everything since I do (I hate eating anything with my hands; I hate my hands getting dirty in general).  However, his fears were put to ease when he realized that while my siblings and I overused utensils, my parents didn’t, and none of us had any strict opinions on how utensils should be used either (my partner seems to like using a spoon for things that I think should be eaten with a fork – it confuses me to the point where I always ask him what he wants to eat with before every meal to avoid any potential conflict!). 

Even the way we handle food has certain norms attached to it.  For instance, I prefer to peel the skin off of a potato or cut vegetables and fruits with the knife going away from my hands.  My partner cringes every time he sees it and comments that his mother would pass out if she saw me doing that (and then he usually takes it from me and starts doing it himself).  The way one eats fruit also should be done in certain ways.  Peeling an orange has a certain technique for some (my Korean friends amaze me with how they manage to peel an orange so quickly and neatly – I always have a big mess of peels and juice everywhere by the time I’m done).  My partner also cringes at the way I eat dates – I have no idea how he can pop the whole thing in his mouth and spit the pit out within seconds.  I’ve tried but end up drooling all over myself and making a mess.  Instead, I just hold the date in my hands and squish the pit out – and then eat it.  He also pops seeds and nuts into his mouth with the shell and adeptly spits out the shells into the trashcan or into a pile beside him.  He is amused as I struggle with my hands to open the shells first – and I’ve given up trying to eat the smaller seeds with him! 

Drink

Even what we drink can have a cultural difference.  Some may like a cool glass of water or tea as they drink; others believe that drinking cool liquid is unhealthy (a former Korean boyfriend would watch in horror as I downed a big glass of cold water after exercising).  Even others may not drink anything at all during the meal (found this out when I was in Japan.  I was dying of thirst while everyone else was placidly eating).  Tea may be sweet or unsweetened (my Japanese friends almost gagged everytime they came to my house and sampled my mom’s southern-style sweet tea).  What may be a hot drink for one may not be nearly hot enough for another (try diving into a steaming cup of Arabic coffee – I waited for mine to cool down the first time I tried it, but my tongue was still burned for days!).  Every time my partner and I go for coffee, he always has to ask for his to be ‘extra hot’ because the default is not nearly hot enough for him! 

Closing

Food is such an integral part of our every day lives that it is bound to cause some sort of disagreement – or amusement – when we invite someone from a different culture into our personal, intimate space of daily life.  Although novel and entertaining at first, it may soon grow tiring and frustrating if both aren’t willing to have an open, adventurous attitude and are unable to see beyond the everyday issues to the big picture of their love and their reasons for being in a relationship as a whole.    

*Some concepts from Intercultural Marriage by Dugan Romano*

Conflicting Values in Intercultural Marriage

Everyone has values, regardless of how conservative or open-minded one might be.  From the stern, long-bearded Wahabi to the college student who hits up the clubs every weekend, we all have beliefs about how every action in life should be governed, which can cause a great deal of conflict when intimately dealing with someone who holds different beliefs.  Values tell us what we perceive to be good or bad, right or wrong, important or trivial. 

While all human beings share the same needs (food, shelter, companionship, etc.), the way we go about satisfying those needs differs from culture to culture, and even person to person.  People from the same cultural background may have different values in some areas.  The key to successfully navigating a relationship in which many values are vastly different is to being highly self-aware of your own values, being aware of the values of your partner, and realizing that values are merely different, and not inherently right or wrong. 

Romano cites researchers Edward Stewart and Milton Bennett as providing a model that divides values into four areas: form of activity, form of relations to others, perception of the world, and perception of the self.  

Form of Activity

Form of activity refers to the beliefs surrounding activities.  For example, mainstream Americans have an attitude of ‘doing’: activities are ’done’, a person is responsible for their own actions and their own lives.  To succeed requires doing something.  A successful American person is measured by what they have done and activities they have accomplished.

Other cultures value ‘being’ with regard to activity.  A successful person is valued for who they are intrinsically – a good personality, kindness, sincerity, etc. 

Other cultures focus on self-growth, striving for constant personal change and reflection. 

Conflict could arise in the area of activity as an American may want to have their children involved in extra-curicular activities, whereas a non-American spouse may see that as a waste of time and ‘worthless’, and would want the children to perhaps spend time outdoors, communing with nature and becoming more in-tune with their inner spirit. 

Relation to Others

The second area of values is in relations to others.  Americans often see connections with others as easy to make and equally easy to break.  Relationships form quickly, but may often remain largely superficial or based on some external activity (study friends, drinking buddies, church friends, colleagues).  These friendships are frequently compartmentalized and often do not cross the boundary into another domain (for example, drinking buddies may not be interested in meeting you for lunch Wednesday.  Work friends may not want to help you move or put new tiles on your roof). 

In other cultures, friendships take time to initiate and develop, yet are long-lasting and deep.  These friends can be counted on to be at your side during both the good times and the bad.  Fights and disagreements may arise, but the bond of friendship is never shaken. 

The differing concept of friendship can cause problems not only within a romantic relationship, but also for anyone in a foreign society, attempting to make social contacts and fit in with the natives.  I have heard international students often complain that they ‘know’ many Americans but have a very hard time forming any real connection with them.  A foreign student may have no trouble finding something to do for fun on the weekend, but when it comes to more serious issues, these surface friends are nowhere to be found.  On the contrary, an American in another country may feel lonely and find it difficult to just have a conversation about the weather, and may not understand why people aren’t very ‘friendly’.  An intercultural couple may scoff at the other’s friends, and may not understand how important these types of relationships are to the other person’s sense of well-being. 

Perception of the World

The third realm of values lies in perception of the world - how the self and humanity as a whole is connected to nature.  Are humans separate or integral with nature?  Should we engage in respectful or exploitive treatment?  Do we fear nature or conquer it?

An American may see humanity as separate from the environment, having full mastery over it and the right to exploit it for our own needs.  A Native American, on the other hand, may see humanity as just one piece of the larger picture of life, and everything we do must be in balance with the natural rhythm of life. 

How a couple deals with even their trash could be a source of conflict (recycle or not? Throw trash in the trash can or out in the street?), or what kind of car to drive, what sort of products to buy, companies to support (or boycott), and so on.  Are the weeds in the yard a nuisance or a beautiful part of nature?  Is a yard or having anything green even necessary at all?     

Perception of the Self

The final area of values is perception of the self.  How do we see ourselves?  As separate entities (individualistic) or as part of a tightly knit group (collectivistic)?  This area of values in particular can cause a great deal of conflict, as the collective spouse may be seen as ‘spineless’ and the family too ‘controlling’, and the individualistic spouse as ‘selfish’ and the family ‘unloving’ and cold. 

The classic example of this is the collective partner breaking up with the individualistic partner because the family doesn’t approve.  The collective partner does what is best for the family unit, as they don’t perceive their own needs as separate from the family’s needs as a whole.  Yet, the individualistic partner is heartbroken by the perception that the other person must not ‘love’ them enough to stand up to the family and live their own life. 

Fortunately for me, I understand this concept and admire my (collectivistic) partner’s deep devotion and commitment to his family, and I actually deeply long to belong to such a close, devoted family.  I am relatively collectivistic due to my own unique background (conservative Christian, moved frequently, and was home schooled). 

As a result, I fully understand the dilemma my own collectivistic partner faces.  He is willing to take on the ridicule and ostracization from his community and society at large for his decision to be with me, but his more conservative, mostly uneducated family does not understand why he can’t just be with a girl from their city, and most certainly do not want to be constantly ridiculed, treated badly, and gossiped about because of a foreigner, that they don’t even approve of, entering the family.  As a result, they see his actions as selfish - and I fully understand.  His actions could cause their family unit harm.  It isn’t about the degree to which he loves me, on the contrary, it is about the fact that he is harming those who are an integral part of his concept of his own self.  His family is part of him.  To hurt them is to hurt himself.  The unavoidable fact remains that his family will be the ones dealing with the consequences of his decision for the rest of their lives.  

Many relationships have been destroyed and several hearts have been broken due to a lack of understanding on both sides about the very elemental value of what the self actually is, and who/what it includes. 

This is not to say that those who are collectivistic will never be able to have a relationship with someone who is individualistic – not in the least.  There are many variables involved: politics, education, religion, city/country of origin on both sides, and so on.

Closing Thoughts

Mostly, no one is ever aware of their values until these values have been challenged and stepped on.  Values can cause a great deal of conflict and anguish, as we usually automatically perceive our values as right, as the natural, most logical way of doing things, and don’t realize that in reality, values are just different ways of achieving the same goals.   As a result, it is imperative to take a step back and consider who you are as a cultural and value-laden person, and how that may differ from your partner.  Additionally, the next time you have an argument (and particularly the arguments that seem to come up constantly and are never resolved), don’t rush in blaming the other person for being ‘stupid’ or ‘wrong’ or ‘illogical’.  Instead, realize that the difference may lie in differing values.  When both parties respect the other’s values as valid and simply different, communication and compromise is much easier to achieve.

*Concepts taken  from “Intercultural Marriage” by Dugan Romano*

Phases of Adjustment in an Intercultural Marriage

Just as in a same-culture marriage, there are several phases of adjustment that couples commonly experience after marriage.  Intercultural couples face unique challenges in each of the adjustment periods which can seem confusing and can even cause serious issues in the relationship if not fully understood and dealt with appropriately.  These phases of adjustment are very similar to the phases common to culture shock – so imagine if you are going through the phases of marriage AND the phases of culture shock at the same time (which is probably common for many intercultural couples)!

Phase 1: Honeymoon

The first phase of adjustment is termed the honeymoon phase.  All couples go through this, although those who dated extensively beforehand may have completed this phase prior to marriage.  Couples in this stage are blinded by their attraction for one another, hormones and chemicals abound in the brain (see Helen Fisher’s work on YouTube for info about ‘the brain in love’), and as a result, often fixate on all the positive aspects of the other person, and ignore or downplay the negatives.  Differences are fascinating, thrilling, novel, and romantic.  Research shows that couples typically stay in this phase anywhere from a few months to 2 years. 

Phase 2: Settling In

After the initial excitement starts to wear off (as is necessary for normal life functioning, and helps the couple to spend their energy on raising children instead of solely on each other), the next phase begins - the Settling In phase.  The couple begins to relax and be themselves and show more of their true colors.  True habits and differing ideas about manners begin to show up, and characteristics (both personal and cultural) may start to be more of a concern than they were before.  An Arab husband’s penchance for protectiveness may seem a bit controlling to a Western wife, and a Western spouse’s individualistic outlook may start to seem a bit selfish from Asian (collectivistic) standpoints.  This is the stage when arguments may start to creep in, and the rosy glow of a picture-perfect, fairytale romance begins to fade.  Reality hits, and the couple begins to see how similar or different they really are, and their own, deepset, often unchallenged or even unnoticed beliefs and views are now being challenged and questioned.  Ideas about husband/wife roles, how to raise the kids, appropriate relationships with family members and in-laws, food, table manners, religion, and on and on will be brought to the forefront.  If a couple finds themselves having many cultural differences as well as individual and personality differences, the relationship may be so ridden with problems that it does not last.  Others, however, are able to work through their differences and make it to the next phase.

Phase 3: Life Patterns

This is the point where the path of the relationship can take a drastically different course.  Some couples end up separating due to the differences being too great and not being able to compromise and work through them.

  Others may give up dealing with ever-recurring problems and ignore them and sweep everything under the table (i.e. the head-in-the-sand method).  Tension, anger, and unresolved conflict still exists, but neither partner is willing to find a workable compromise.  These relationships tend to result in separate, loosely connected lives, and the relationship is experienced superficially. 

Still others choose to focus instead on all the positives of their partner and the relationship, helping put the problems into perspective.  The problems may still exist, and some of them may be ignored, but at least the couple is determined to see the glass as “half-full.”

The last path a couple can take is to willingly accept the fact that in order to have a fulfilling and successful relationship, they should constantly  communicate and negotiate with one another, realizing that although there will always be new issues to solve, finding a workable solution involves exploration, creativity and flexibility.  Differences can instead be viewed as an exciting, welcome challenge as opposed to a stressful, anger-filled, emotional nightmare.  Such couples also become less rigid in their thinking, and begin seeing many issues as less life-shattering and more minor.

Maintainence/Regression/Resolution

Although a couple may fall into one particular pattern of coping with differences, this pattern does not have to remain static; it can change and fluctuate.  A couple may move forward to a more healthy way of functioning, and then suddenly regress backward, due to an unexpected or stressful event (which often sends us back into our comfortable, familiar and cultural ways of coping and dealing with life).  If you find yourself stuck in a pattern that isn’t working, try to figure out what exactly that pattern is, and begin to introduce healthier ways of coping with conflict (i.e. communication, honesty, respect, and flexibility).  Certainly, you can’t change your partner, but you can change yourself and how you react to your partner.  When you change your part of the interaction, your partner will have no choice but to readjust along with you in some way or another.

Final Thoughts

After all, if you married someone from a different culture, the differences are what you drew you to them in the first place, right?  If you desire a relationship free from differences, a. first of all, such a relationship doesn’t exist, and b. you definitely should not be married to someone from a different culture! 

If you are in an interculteral marriage/relationship, what phase are you in?  What difficulties have you faced, and how were you able to overcome them?

*Concepts taken from “Intercultural Marriage” by Dugan Romano*       

Types of People Commonly Attracted to Intercultural Marriage

To begin the series on intercultural marriage, beginning with a discussion about who exactly tends to be most attracted to intercultural relationships/marriages in the first place seems like a good place to start.  It’s certainly not for everyone, as mixed marriages are full of unique challenges that married people from the same culture may never face. 

In Romano’s book “Intercultural Marriage,”  she lists 5 common types of people who tend to be involved in intercultural relationships.  The first type is the Romantic type: those who see people from other cultures as exotic, fascinating, and thrilling.  These people may find people from their own culture boring  and predictable, and thrive in the mystique of people from far away and foreign lands. 

The second type is the Compensator.  These people often feel like something is missing from their lives and believe they have found it in another person or culture, as they believe elements from that person/culture fulfills what is missing from their own.  Romano notes that this type is found even in couples who marry from their own cultures, who are simply looking for someone to fulfill what they lacked growing up.   

Rebels are slightly different from the compensators in that they dislike much about their own culture and are intent on finding someone from somewhere else.  Sometimes they have a specific target culture in mind; other times they simply take whatever fate brings them. 

Internationals, the next type of people drawn to intercultural marriage, are those who lived outside their native countries for most of their lives, and are typically children of missionaries, diplomats,  military personnel, and so on.  These people often do not feel as though they completely belong to one particular culture, as they tend to have been influenced by several cultures and therefore have a wide appreciation and love for differences. 

The final category is comprised of Others.  These people may not fit into their society and often are ostracized from it.  Finding love in a different culture is a way to find a place to fit in and be accepted.  Some of them are not considered to be attractive in their native culture, and have better luck in another culture.  Others are part of a minority and find acceptance in another culture.  Still others live in poverty and marry as a way to improve their quality of life. 

After writing this, I began pondering which type I am, and it seems that I’m a mix of a few of them.  Basically, I’ve always been different from everyone else, so I can relate to others who are different and appreciate differences more readily.  I think that the world has so much to offer, so many different ideas and ways of thinking that can add a great deal to my life (making me a bit of a compensator). 

I moved constantly growing up, so I was always the outsider, always the new kid, always unsure of the local habits… since I was mostly home schooled, that added a further dimension because I wasn’t really part of mainstream American culture (making me somewhat of an International type, even though all my moves were domestic).  I recall one instance when I had just moved to a new town and was at lunch at school (I happened to actually go full time to public school that year).  One kid decided to start pestering me with questions, asking me things like, “Are you a dork? 
Are you a retard?  Are you a b*?”  I repeatedly answered with a resounding, “NO!”  Finally he asked, “Are you a virgin?”  I was about to repeat my answer when the girl next to me grabbed my arm and whispered, “No, don’t say no!  Say yes!”  I wasn’t sure if I could trust her or not – why would I say yes?!?!  I had no idea what it meant but it didn’t sound good… But after a few seconds of indecision, I gave in and said yes, and the kid, disappointed, gave up and left me alone.  This is just one example of all the vocabulary that I was completely clueless about (college was eye opening, haha). 

I also was a double major college and earned two master’s degrees (I have way too many interests), so I’ve never really fully fit in with my classmates either (in addition to being home schooled and not really having a hometown or childhood friends!).  And to top it all off, now I’m a White, American Muslim convert, so my being different is now very visibly apparent, due to my hijab!

Alhamdilulah, I like it though; I enjoy being different, and would feel bored, unmotivated, and unchallenged if I weren’t with someone who wasn’t different as well.  That I think, makes me a Romantic as well. 

Out of these 5 common types, which one are you? 

*Concepts taken from “Intercultural Marriage” by Dugan Romano*   

Intercultural Marriage

Since I am in the field of multiculturalism and work with people from all different nationalities, and have friends from all over the world, intercultural relationships and marriages are of great interest to me.  I have never been interested in my own kind (find it too boring!), and am eager to learn more about the inner workings of mixed marriages.  I recently came across an excellent book entitled, “Intercultural Marriage” by Dugan Romano, and found the ideas in it so helpful that I decided to start a series of posts summarizing some of the major points.  InshAllah, I hope that it can be a help to you as well!